i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
