dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
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