Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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