Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
