At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
