i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just invented taco cereal.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
