If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
