I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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