my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I would ride that face into the sunset
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
