I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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