We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
