my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
