there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
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Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
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How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
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