I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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