Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
