also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
