Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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