in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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