Apparently you make a good broom.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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