i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
