good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
