I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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