i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
