I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
