Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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