You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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