apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize