quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
