I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
