Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
sarcasm needs its own font
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
