Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
