Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
