There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We just shotgunned beers for America
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I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
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Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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