I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
