i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
