I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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