Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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