According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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