You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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