Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
