the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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