That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
