my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
