glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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