so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
