Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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