i barfeds in our rink
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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