I can text with my tongue
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He felt like a one man threesome
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
