I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Houston, we have a blender
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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