I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
