cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
