I'm jealous of your bromance
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
