I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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