Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
