I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
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Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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