Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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