I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I know her cup size but not her name....
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
