I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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