I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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