i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
