this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
