I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
